I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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