Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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