Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize