I accidentally burped into my bong.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
