I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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