I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i've created a new STD.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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