so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
porn star boner night. come get it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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