im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
