watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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