A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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