i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
