i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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