i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
