I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
