i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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