her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
