I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
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