I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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