i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
