Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
