U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
