I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
