saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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