woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
