just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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