you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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