I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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