At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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