Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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