dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
