Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
