he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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