I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
