We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
