okay pat passed out under dana's car
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
