You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
