Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
