its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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