I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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