So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My ass is underappreciated
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
