i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
