did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
