I can tuck mytits in my pants
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
