you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
