I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I need to stop coming to work sober
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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