Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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