I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
