were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You ruined the universe
Randomize