Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
