Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
