We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
