just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The ass gains better be worth it
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