Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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