I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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