I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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