Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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