I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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