Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
