I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
